there was a Threads post i saw recently

i didn't save it, but the post essentially was someone saying how they've been sober for a year or so and were more unhappy now than they were when they were drinking and that they wouldn't recommend anyone getting sober. I went through the comments and there was one in particular that stood out to me - "sobriety isn't about being happy". 

it made me reflect on my own sobriety journey and how it started. In the beginning, i never had "be happy" as one of my goals in getting sober. even now it's not one of my goals. I only knew that as much as i told people I didn't want to be Here, I didn't want to die and the drinking was making everything worse. I was blacking out every time I drank, I couldn't remember how I got home, I was disappearing for hours at a time, I was losing all of my friendships, I was putting all of my self worth in the hands of other people, I was falling into deep debt, and I was involved with someone who didn't give a shit about me and convincing myself I was in love. I never hit the classic hollywood "rock bottom". but i did hit My bottom after another morning of waking up mid throwing up in the bed. I didn't care about being happy, i just didn't want to die and I didn't want to be alive. I hit my bottom when i remembered stepping out into the street when a car was coming and it swerving to miss me. 

wanting to be happy didn't come until I started therapy about 7 months into my sober journey. I've lived with severe depression and anxiety my whole life, and while the anxiety was slowly going away, the depression wasn't and i was feeling confused. every post on social media from sober influencers was about how Happy they were, how they were sleeping through the night, how magical sobriety was, this pink cloud feeling. I wasn't feeling that, and truth be told, I still don't feel it. my depression is 10 times harder to manage now that i'm sober because i don't have a buffer. and in my sobriety i've learned that i'm autistic and that has been it's own journey, a story for another time. everything feels harder, everything is more real, i feel every feeling and i choose to not numb out. i choose to feel all those things, even the sadness. and in a weird way, i'm grateful for it. 

someone in a meeting once said "I use to strive to be happy in sobriety but i no longer aim for that because happiness leaves. I strive to be present" and that also stuck with me. i spent over a decade doing anything i could to numb myself and not feel my feelings, to not be in my own head. i now know a big part of that was because i'm autistic, but drinking made me feel like i was IN my body because it slowed down my brain and i felt like i was truly myself when i was drunk instead of an anxious dissociated mess. being present now is a gift and as much as that involves the pain of depression, i wouldn't trade my sobriety for anything. 

i'm coming up on 5 years sober on february 3rd and i feel stable and steady in my sobriety. compared to those early days, i feel much more confident in myself. i trust myself. i'm able to accept actual, real love. and while i have no idea what my career path is right now, i'm not falling into a pit of despair over it like i would've had i still been drinking. 

it's one day at a time, sometimes one minute at a time.